12 ways to diagnose a neurotic Douche-bag from afar…

             

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  1. They have the attention span of a cactus (seriously!)
  2. They usually have a whiny/nagging/nasal/annoying voice  (high pitch voice, hundred words a second)
  3. They like to brag and show their superiority over you (like you could care less!) They have a God complex and even look at the sun in a condescending manner, and won’t think twice before treating you like a dried up cattle manure.
  4. If you are in any sort of business with them (Boy you are one sucker!!) they’d trap you into a never ending spiral of chores, kill your sleep/peace/soul and then ask YOU to compensate for your substandard (despite being flawless) service.
  5. They are very volatile/emotionally unstable like a monkey on steroids ( if they are nice with you in a split sec’s time they can make an absolute 180 degree  turn and start to poke skewers into your eye sockets)
  6. They are very generous with words/ time.  It doesn’t bother them that they are actually killing your time and sanity, but they’ll continue to tell you the same shitty thing over and over again (till you’re at the verge of hurling yourself off a cliff with a smile on your face!)
  7. These people usually ask for your suggestions, but you can rest assured that they’ll never apply it when the time comes (because they think they know better than you, told ya’ God complex!)
  8. They get into fights very often (verbal/physical/imaginary) with anything that has (or doesn’t have) a reason to live, wherever they go
  9. It’s ALWAYS your fault!! Somehow, using a unique blend of ‘Newtonian, Einstein-ian, Quantum and Alien mechanics they will show the logic of your error and fault in the sorry state of the cosmos.
  10. These Douche-bags are never content with the way things are and their hobby is to complain of it all (as if anyone ever listens to their crap!)
  11. Wherever they go, people usually maintain a 5 mile radius away from them (Lawyers love them though).
  12. They’re like cockroaches, always lurking in places and times at all nooks and crannies; that you don’t want them (which is like NEVER!!)

Words of advice: If God forbid, you ever come face to face with these foul, bestial, venom spitting, fire breathing living spawns of hell where the evil rodents are sent, pray for your life because you’ll be eternally scarred and you may never come out unscathed!! These “fruit loops” prey on innocent beings like us, turning us into utter misanthropes. So, if you ever run into these “cannibals”, run for your life, DO NOT LOOK BACK!! NO REALLY!! DON’T LOOK BACK!! Oh, you can also pretend to be deaf/dumb/mute (whatever strikes your fancy) as a money plant. These things are just not worth wasting your time on!!

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