Reasons Why Beauty Salons Are The Devil’s Workshop:

Your concept of a Beauty Salon: A serene place of relaxation that also offers to groom you, promising magical transformations… a Cinderella story waiting to happen. The modern day transformation center that specializes in turning trolls into fair Princesses/Swan/Barbie etc.

Reality: A place of utter chaos, that promises to rob you off your money with a smile. If you walk in with hopes of getting a make-over in a tranquil environment, you can kiss that dreamy/fluffy thought goodbye. Because nothing like that is ever going to happen! You might go in at your own will but once you do, you are under their control. Its like an alien abduction where they’re experimenting your face instead of… you know what I mean. A land where the puppet master rules!

Here are a few more reasons why Beauty Salons are worse than torture cells in Guantanamo:

1)The Beauty Experts (BE)/devil’s spawns working there take great pleasure in criticizing you. They enjoy watching you wince as they make comments about the state of your hair and several other body parts. That often makes you wonder, if they’re such an expert than why do they look like poltergeists themselves? By the time they’re done spitting out their ‘expert’ /heart wrenching/ ‘constructive’ criticism, you’d prefer poking your head into an hole dug up by an ostrich!!

2)The BEs gossip in an alien language, which makes you conscious about your well being.

3)The internal politics: Often the BEs gang up on each other and start a brawl, which totally kills the ambiance. And it makes you think you were better off as a grotesque porcupine, no magical transformation is ever going to happen here.

4)The BEs try to pressurize/guilt you into getting more lame treatments done. They often succeed in convincing you and thus your wallet gets more feathery light by the second.

5)The BEs often do not pay heed to your comments/demands/requests/pleas and do as they please. After the whole procedure is over, you find yourself turning away from the mirror (while throwing up a little in your mouth) while pondering that “SHREK, the OGRE” has a better chance of getting a compliment than you.

6)The BEs cause you pain/trauma/scars (mental and physical). They hardly go easy on you, if you’re hurt somewhere they’ll deliberately find the spot and drive a steam roller over it. You might see a crooked smile form on their faces as you cry out in pain (or it’s just the pain playing tricks on your mind). That doesn’t stop them!

7)They often have really weird taste in music, which stresses you out instead of calming you down.

8)The BEs are slobs/disorganized clowns, even some animals do a better job at organizing things than them.

9)Maybe for a BE, having a low IQ is a job requirement. That’s why they can’t register your requests and end up making you look like a Pterodactyl (not that they care!)

10)They have rage issues/black outs, if you somehow piss them off with your selfish requests (not recommended!! Less recommended than hugging a man eating plant), they might give you hell’s movie trailer experience. They might use you for their flop artistic (?) experiments.

11)The BEs do not have a problem with messing with pimples on your face and other ugly things, leaving you with huge, red bumps that seem like you’re growing another head there. Maybe their impression of a ‘face as beautiful as the moon’ is one that is crater ridden!

12)The BEs are often distracted with their own woes/day-dreams which might result into a burn mark on your ear while they try to iron/curl your hair with a scalding hot piece of machinery!!

13)The BEs often wrap you up in disgusting mask/leave you in a compromised position and vanish into thin air for several minutes! The embarrassment, the horror!

14)Often you walk out of a Salon looking worse than you do when you wake up in the morning with a hangover… (maybe this isn’t as bad for you as it is for me)

Some words of advice: Always go to a Salon that you know/ is well recommended by a (real) friend, try to befriend the enemy (as in the BE), try to go in groups (good to have someone around to support you). Be strong and don’t be afraid to raise hell when something goes wrong!

If you can’t do all that, quit going to salons all together and learn how to do it on your own. YouTube exists for a reason! Happy Grooming 

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Words Of The Day..

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The Random Stare Monkey: A weirdo/goofball/nincompoop/blithering idiot who thinks its perfectly fine/A-OK/just bout normal to stare at your face/follow your every move/be your shadow, etcetera. It doesn’t bother them out that you’re freaked out by their activities related to stalking you.They way they act around you will certainly make you feel conscious about your appearance, you’ll begin to doubt the tint of lipstick that you wore/the way you did your hair/whether you have spinach stuck in your teeth. They’ll make you rethink the appropriateness of your existence.

Come to think of it, if you were looking that repulsive/puke worthy/heinous, these social rejects/ magnanimous dumb-asses wouldn’t gawk at you, they’d be disgusted and look away. The fact that they chose to bat their eyelashes your way, strengthens the point that you’re not too hard on the eyes and still quite fetching. So, some good does come out of the bad habits of these degenerates.Your self esteem gets a boost and you’re as happy as a clam!

But before you get too happy, don’t forget to the keep the emergency numbers on speed dial. These harmless twerps can turn from a money plant to a bloody man eating tree faster then you can say the word “shit!!”

Some words of advice would be get your brave face on, stand up for yourself and oh keep the mace handy!! Most importantly get fit, learn how to run away from sticky situations like this, outrun your stalkers, go home and watch “fatal attraction” get a few pointers from there and live a “pesky-stare-monkey-on-steroids” free life! Cheers 😛

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